IofNewt.Net

March 14, 2009 - Oops!

I am apartment hunting again.

Hopefully I'll choose well this time because I don't want to keep moving around.

I changed my site, too, but I haven't changed all the pages yet. Might even kill some of them.

Nov 11, 2008 - Alien in my stomach

Not an alien exactly, but there's something in there... something I couldn't digest and now my intestines are blocked.

Another weekend spent in the hospital. More pain than I even remembered. Newer (to me) procedures to be abused with. So how was YOUR weekend?

The medication I'd been taking for the last 2 years, if I am understanding it right repairs my damaged intestines... to a degree. So far as I can tell, it doesn't help a lick with what I can and can't digest. Unfortuneately, while I do already know of a few foods I cannot digest, mostly I just don't know until I eat something that I can't digest.

This is kind of infuriating, really. I have to revamp my eating habits yet again.. which isn't a huge deal in itself, since I am used to that.. but this time I don't know what I ate that did it, so I dunno what I should avoid from now on.

Oct 29, 2008 - Bike Paths

I was surfing Montreal Metblogs and read this.

Admittedly, a lot of the cars just don't care that bikes are on the paths.. anymore than some of them care about the pedestrians there.

I have a lot of trouble with the bikers themselves. They ignore red lights. I've been clipped numerous times crossing @ Peel & deMaisonneuve by some idiot on a bike who actually believes he or she doesn't have to stop at a red light. Cars have almost clipped bikers, too... for the same reason.

They're infuriating, really. I don't use the bike path as a sidewalk because I've got a brain in this thing sitting on top of my neck and I figure that bikers ought to realize that red lights apply to them as well, but no such luck.

Oct 18, 2008 - What happened...

... to Heroes?

This time last year, Heroes was my favorite show. This year, it's just a hard to follow mess.

One always had to pay attention to the show to know what was going on, but unlike last year... all the attention paid leads to dead-end, boring and incomprehensible nothingness.

The only watchable character now is Sylar.. oh sorry, Gabriel.. he's trying to be a decent sort now. I think I liked him better as a baddie, but the fact that he's the only interesting person on the show now bothers me. I used to enjoy all of them.

Also..

What the hell happened to my love for this apt? Oh I know. It's the weird goings-on both in the building and the neighborhood.

It's the fact that I am the ONLY tenant who EVER puts out her garbage on garbage day. As an extra bonus, the garbage area is near MY backdoor, so you can imagine the fun of rotten, stinking garbage that I endured all Summer. It's the fact that after complaining to the landlord about it, all he did was buy a new garbage container and supposedly tell ALL the other tenants (and there's only 5 other units here) to put their garbage out themselves and NOT to leave it by MY backdoor. In fact, he supposedly told them to leave their garbage by their OWN backdoors until the garbage days. They don't do it though... or he didn't bother to actually tell them. It's the fact that my closest neighbor (and I assume, her roomie) scream and yell a lot... either arguing or partying. Sometimes late at night, sometimes not. Always REALLY loud. It's the fact that one tenant had someone, 3 someones, in fact, break into his place just to beat him up.

I have just over 6 months left on my lease. Six and a half, we'll say. I hope I last that long without calling the police on anyone or throwing my neighbor's garbage at their backdoors.

Sept 22, 2008 - I said I wouldn't EVER do this again... but

I think I'm gonna move when my lease ends in the Spring. I am not completely decided yet, but I am leaning really heavily towards this.

My rent isn't unreasonable or anything, but I'm not really saving much and I've pretty much convinced myself that I wanna buy a house in the next few years. I'd like to have a downpayment of some sort.

So I am thinking of downsizing... at least in rent. I've seen 2 bedrooms for up to $200 less than I'm paying now. I just wonder about their condition and the area they're in.

I hate to move, but some things are just more important to me these days. Then again, this is a totally positive move as opposed to a move that I have to make due to part of the complex I live in burning to a crisp, no?

I see myself becoming obsessed with reading craigslist apt listings for the next 5 months yet again. In fact, it's already started.

Aug 31, 2008 - Paranoia

What would you do if you were paranoid?

Would you seek help? Medication? What if you were also paranoid about the side-effects? Or at least really really not interested in them?

Since I moved in here in the beginning of May, I've been utterly freaked out by the prospect of a fire. Thsi isn't exactly an irrational fear either since i've been through 2 in less than 2 years.

While I think my fear is completely warranted, I know it can't go on. I need to sleep better. I need to live my life and stuff as opposed to going around obsessively sniffing my apartment.

How do I tame this fear garbage without medication?

Aug 10, 2008 - Sigh...

It's time to diet. Or something.

I don't do particularly well at dieting. I hate to even call it that.

Staying away from junk food is really hard for me. There's quite a few types that I have to stay away from because to ingest them generally means a LOT of pain. So that is easy. The junk that I can't stay away from, however... well I find it almost impossible these days.

When I moved back to Montreal 4 years ago, I'd lost 30 lbs. After a year being back, I'd lost another 10. I was incredibly stoked, then I got sick and lost some more weight, which I gained back, but that was ok. I spent so long on liquid diets and fearing a return of pain and other symptoms that I was just too scared to eat. Getting over that was good and I expected to gain that back.

I have Crohn's Disease, so one would think it'd be easy to stay thin when there's a whole long list of foods that I can't even touch, but no. I found a way to gain weight by practically O.D.ing on the junk food I CAN eat.

So while I haven't gained back everything I lost, I've gained back a lot of it. Probably 2 thirds of the 40 lbs I lost. If I do nothing, I'll gain it all back and quite honestly... I think I'd rather drop dead than let that happen again.

I don't like shopping for clothes usually, but less so when I am fat... for obvious reasons.

So, I'm trying again. I don't know how yet, but I'll make it up as I go along. Gonna cut portions, which aren't that large to begin with so hopefully, that'll be pretty easy. the main thing is figuring out how to kill my jones for junk food. That's the hard part.

I can sit here and type out a long diatribe on how it's all about my health, but it's so not. Sure, health is important, but it's just a benefit. I want to look good. I want to wear all the nice clothes I have. Until I tried to decide what the hell to wear for a social function on Thursday night, I never really realized what nice things I have.

Before I moved back home to Montreal, I'd given away a lot of clothes because I didn't want to drag around stuff that was old, didn't fit or was just way way way out of style. When I first started to shed weight 4 years ago, I slowly rebuilt my wardrobe, but I guess I never realized just how nicely I'd built it up again.

Plus... guys used to leer at me. Call me crazy, but I really freaking miss that.

Jun 21, 2008 - Grrrr...

I re-cleaned my floors today. My lovely hardwood floors. I beam with pride, having yet another I freaking LOVE my apt moment... One of hundreds since I moved in.

They practically gleam! Gleaming floors. Imagine.

They were washed once this past week already, but clumsy me spilled sticky stuff, so I did them again.

Anyway... back to the admiring the gleaming floors... Just beautiful! Then a kitty walks buy. Not two seconds after he tawdles by me.. a rather large cat fur tumbleweed follows him. Then I recall some vomit (not mine).

Bye-bye gleaming floors! I shall miss you!

Jun 14, 2008 - Is there a Facebook Support Group? ON Facebook?

I am facebook's bitch!

Uploading photos and waiting for comments is now my entire reason for living. Lame, I know.

When facebook first started (or when I heard about it and signed up), it was mildly interesting to me. There was a certain charm about reconnecting with folks you knew way back when and the flurry of messages that followed finding a new one.

I'll be back later, I have to go upload some cringe-worthy family photos...

May 16, 2008 - Random Crap...

I've been using my camera phone a lot, but haven't been moving the pics to my computer (due mostly to my computer being in storage). Well I finally got around to it tonight.

See this dress in one of the fancy stores in the Cours Mont-Royal? Is this supposed to be haute couture or something? To me, it looks like a wedding cake made with poop. Yick!

I've been in this apt since May 10th. That makes 6 days of living here and there've been 3 random cats at my office window. Two cavorted and sniffed like crazy with my two brats, but this one...

... well he got right ANGRY that one of my monsters dared to come check him out. With the other 2, it was like a furry sewing circle.

When I bought these 2 sectional couch pieces, they were covered with icky peach slip covers. During the fire, those slip covers got dirty, so I took them off to wash them. See what was underneath? I like that better than the peach slip covers.

May 15, 2008 - Nightmares you know are stupid. Or are they?

Having been involved in 2 apt building fires in not quite 2 years, I've become very paranoid.

I'm really not worried about myself. I mean accidents happen, I'm not impervious, but I'm mainly paranoid about what stupid shit OTHER people are gonna do.

This type of worrying occupies my mind a lot and apparently I am right to worry so much, but at the same time.. it's probably not good for me to think that way (even if I'm right). Thing is that I don't know how to stop. And if I manage to stop worrying, will I get careless? Will something else happen? Will I lose everything this time?

This shit keeps me awake a lot of nights. After a few in a row, I sleep like the dead, but I don't have good night's sleep anymore. I'm sure it's a vicious circle, too. I worry more than I sleep and I'm then so damned tired that I worry more.. still with no sleeping.

When I'm overtired, the worries become irrational and almost comical. If I didn't know how deadly serious I am about my worries... well really, it's fear... it could be pretty funny.

I wonder sometimes if karma keeps burning buildings I live in. Was I a heinous bitch and now it's biting me in the ass? Even if only a little? I'm fairly certain that I'm a bitch... but a heinous bitch? Nah... haven't the energy. I still don't get enough iron.

May 13, 2008 - Where to begin...

Been AWOL awhile.

I've moved. Way sooner than I planned, but I'm happy about it. Very happy. I hate how I got here, but I'm thrilled as hell that I've moved.

April 21st, 2008 I experienced my second apt building fire in 18 months. I wish I were kidding. I'm so over this whole fire thing now.

Some moronic neighbor of mine fell asleep with a candle burning (at least that's the story). Once again... myself, my cats and all my shit escaped damage. The smell lingers a bit, but that's only because I still have 4 or 5 loads of laundry to do still. The smokey smell now makes me physically ill, so I'd better hurry up with that stinking laundry.

It took me 2 weeks, but I found a really great place and am happy.

April 12, 2008 - Cleaning frenzy

I don't know why, but suddenly I have a yen to clean. I normally hate it, but I do it anyway because I hate dirt. I mean, who doesn't? Although, sometimes I wonder.

Much of the reason I hate it has naught to do with the fact that it's hard work or because it's less fun than binge drinking. My main reason is the smell of the average cleaning product. They are harsh and I imagine that if they make my eyes water and make my throat and mouth feel like they're bleeding, they can't be doing the environment any good either. It takes me hours sometimes to clean the bathroom because even with the fan going or windows open to the max, after a few minutes, I just can't breathe anymore.

So yes... while I do so love how sparkly they make the tub, toilet, etc. It gets harder and harder to deal with what I suspect I'm doing to my insides by breathing in this crap. Also, what mutant abominations must I be spawning by letting all those chemicals spill down the drain?

CBC News had their uber-chipper environment correspondent hang out with some woman who showed her (and us) how to make environment friendly cleansers. Most of them involve vinegar. This is a substance that I can't stand the smell of either, but it doesn't burn my throat nor will it give water-life extra sets of limbs. I'm sure I'm overreacting to the mutant thing, but it's fun.

Plus, I suspect that vinegar mixtures won't destroy the clothes I wear when cleaning like bleach-y products do.

So when I do my next grocery order, I'm going to give these homemade cleaners a whirl. If they suck, I'm gonna bite the bullet and purchase some of those expensive enviro-friendly cleaners and see what happens.

April 7, 2008 - Assist me...

Found out today that I'll be getting a staff. A staff of one, but still, that's more than I'm used to. Guess it's not so much a staff, but an assistant. Works for me. Some days, I need help. Most days my boss needs help. See, we ALL need help.

My lovely Xmas lights are dying. Of course, it had to be the first strand, too. Couldn't have been one of the middle or last strands. So much for my decorating idea. I guess I'll buy some lamps with my income tax. I'm getting a lot back, so I'm totally over the moon about it.

I have an ant problem. Large mutant ants (or so I called them until I found out that they're carpentry ants. Which means rotting wood as opposed to being a slob and leaving foodstuffs out. This structure could fall at any moment. One thing's for sure... since no amount of traps is killing them so far.. if nothing is done, I'm getting out of my lease early. I can't take bugs. Spiders are common. I still hate them, but I expect them. Not ants (nor anything worse, of course). Management knows and has done nothing. They've not done the other repairs I've asked for either.

See why I want to move again?

April 5, 2008 - Velvet Couch

I got my couch. Getting it into my apt was nothing more than frustrating and painful. There are bruises.

The velvet turned out to be a not so gloriously done DIY deal. It's not terrible, but one terrible thing I've discovered is that my cats LURVE velvet and their fur is hard to get off of it with the regular (also velvet) lint brushes I have. The fur does, in fact come off, but using velvet on velvet seems to really screw up my lint brush. So this week, I will shop around for one of those rolling lint brusher thingies and see if that goes any better. For now, there's a sheet over my couch so that it doesn't start to resemble my cats.

I also plan to get slip covers and once I've moved, I'll look into having it professionally re-upolstered. Very likely in red still as I am really attached to the red. The sofa's great considering how cheap I got it and beyond the shitty DIY upolstery, the bones of the sofa are actually amazing.

When I was a teenager, my grandmother left us this pretty vanity table. It wasn't in as good shape as the one in the picture, in fact, it was in terrible shape to look at it. The top panel (I guess you'd call it) must've gotten wet so it warped and stuck up a little. Since back then, neither my mom nor myself had any clue how easy that was to fix, we never did. Then I moved away and she's not even sure where the few bits of grandma furniture ended up.

I'm trying to find something like that again. These here and here are the closest I've come. One of which needs a lot of work. One is REALLY pretty and the other could be with some elbow grease. Neither is really anything even remotely similar to what I had, but they've both got sets of drawers on either side, which to me.. is damned close enough.

Usually, I'm sort of indifferent to furniture. Sure, I see stuff I like all the time, but I rarely ever put a whole lot of planning into a room. It was a huge step for me to get a real bedroom set that matched. Up until I bought my bedroom furniture almost 4 years ago, I never even wanted a matching set. Somewhere along the line I decided that my bedroom set should match. Only one of those vanities up there matches my bedroom set, by the way.

Thus far, I've not yet had any such inspiration about the rest of my furniture. I do want a coffee table with matching end tables though.. so I guess that's progress.

I decided last night that some of my knick-knacks have got to go. I won't throw them out though, nor will I sell them. I may not be attached to them anymore, but my mom still is. And as of this moment, she's got an empty shelf just screaming for some little toys to be put up on it, so they'll be her treasures pretty soon.

In my livingroom, there's currently an African theme going on that I'm becoming VERY attached to, so I plan to fill my toy shelf in such a way as to continue that theme and move the doesn't-really-fit-into-my-livingroom-theme-anymore toys that I am still attached to back into my bedroom where they used to be before I lived alone.

This decorating stuff is all new to me. I never much cared about it before and it's a tad disturbing that I'm so into it now.

March 31, 2008 - Virtual Furniture Shopping

Wednesday night I am going to pick up a glorious red couch (I hope.. both that it's as glorious as it looks and that I am actually going - my ride can be a little unreliable).

I have been looking for just such a couch since at least October 2007, so I'm totally psyched that I've found one and that it's in fabulous condition near as I can tell.

It is 8 feet long and 3 feet wide. I think it will go up the smallish passage-way and steps to my apt door even if we have to carry the thing very nearly upright.

There will be a bit of a crowd in my livingroom as far as seating goes, however, the 2 sectional pieces of couch I have will be separated and placed elsewhere in my apartment for now.

I've already started setting up my new apartment in my head. It's pretty odd how I do that considering that I don't yet have a new apartment, isn't it? I can't stop though.

I mentioned before that I don't really care if I get a 2 bdrm apartment and I mostly don't, but if I do hit on a 2 bdrm, I will not put my desk and computer in it. I will set the 2nd bedroom up as a bedroom and either put a futon in there or a twin bed.

Yep.. I've decided.

March 29, 2008 - Virtual Apartment Hunting

I think part of the reason I've become obsessed with looking at apts on craigslist is that it's so fun! I know, I bet that makes me sound like a class A geek, but it's so true! The ads that show photos bring me in like a moth to a flame.

Here's an example in my preferred area, Verdun:

$520 / 2br

I think the kitchen is odd as hell, but in a great way.

And another:

$880 / 2br

This one's not doable for me because I have 2 cats, but I adore the bathroom and the brick in the bedroom! Also.. the W/D. Then there's the French doors. Hmm, I seem to be talking myself into this one. Anyone want 2 cats?

This one's in NDG:

$600 / 1br

It has the radiators that I love!

You do NOT get to see apartments in newspaper ads. So craigslist is better in that way. I'm not knocking newspaper ads, however. Some landlords can paint a decent picture for their rentals, no doubt. But I just think that if you want to be able to see the apartment BEFORE you go take a closer look, what I'm doing is the way to go.

When it's actually time to go look at apartments, I'll use both cgraislist and the paper. I'll just have a better idea of whether or not I'll like it long before I actually go see the place it if it's a craigslist ad.

March 29, 2008 - Happy Bug

Normally, I am squarely against bugs of any kind. They gross me out something fierce. Having said that, this was just too cute to ignore.

She looks so happy, doesn't she?

Check out the Say Anything version of this photo.

Photo source: cuteoverload.com

March 24, 2008 - Boy am I obsessed!

I haven't even given notice that I'm moving to my current landlord yet everyday, I am scanning craigslist for apts and locales that pique my interest. And I'm finding MANY.

This time, I am looking around. Making a list and checking it 80 gazillion times (like Santa does only I'll have a manic look on my face). My soon-to-be apartment will be cool as all hell. I am not in a rush this time. I'm not trying to force a roommate to move so that I can move. Due to the fact that I work downtown, the city is WIDE open to me now. I don't have to be a West Island girl anymore. Which is cool, because I'm really just NOT anyway.

Must haves:
One or two bedrooms
It must either be the same rent I'm paying now unheated or
Only about $150 more than I pay now, but with heated
Must have W/D hook ups (W/D already there is nice, but not too likely)
MUST be near a metro line (I don't really care which line over-much)

Cool to haves:
Must be funky in some way. Examples: radiators (found in older buildings, which is mostly what I'm looking at/for), a weird layout (but not so weird that I have furniture placement issues), claw foot tub (now that's a tough one, but I have seen quite a few so far.. so maybe I'll luck out), should have some sort of wall details like wooden framing around doors, old-fashioned mouldings on the walls.. stuff like that
Fridge and Stove (I'll probably buy my own, but I won't if I don't have to. More interested in a W/D first)

Having grown up in LaSalle, I'm anxious to branch out and try other areas. Particularly areas that make getting downtown fas and easy. No more boonies for this girl!

Right now, the front running area is Verdun. Can't spit in that town without hitting a metro station. Second choice is NDG.

I love Verdun. Always have. Back when I was a kid Verdun was the area most likely to catch fire. After last Fall, I wouldn't have even considered Verdun, but now it seems like LaSalle is the place most likely to burn. Clearing any remaining fear of fire I have left.

March 16, 2008 - Scandals, oh my!

So politicans love them some hookers. Tell me something I didn't already know.

Other than prostitution being illegal, I don't know why anyone's that surprised. Except maybe Spitzer's wife and 3 kids. If anyone should be taken aback, it's them.

Generally speaking, those who bitch and moan about other people's indescretions so loud are very obviously hiding some dirty secret of their own. What? That's not common knowledge? Gee, I thought it was.

We love a good scandal, though. Don't we? Look at our TV viewing habits. How is that lie detector show still on? Because cretins love it. That's how. Personally, each time I see an ad spot for the show, I feel like throwing up. We... and by we, I mean most of us in North America, anyway... lap this garbage up. We LOVE LOVE LOVE these scandal type of reality shows.

These shows aren't reality.. they are scripted and well-planned out garbage. We have no one to blame but ourselves. WE show tv execs that this type of shit is what we want to watch. We get what we ask for.

Stop asking for garbage folks and maybe we'll stop getting it.

March 8, 2008 - International Women's Day

Today is International Woman's Day. I don't really know what that entails, but there it is anyway.

When is International Men's Day? Do they even get a day? Is it just me or is it as if someone just sits around thinking up stupid International Days for a living? When is International Cat's Day? When is International Gummy Worm's Day? Now those, I could get behind.

How do I plan to spend international Woman's Day? By finally starting to do something with those Christmas Tree lights I kept after my mom threw out her severely aged fake Christmas Tree.

I've been looking for a trellis or something I could hang from the ceiling over my bed since I moved in here in October, but with the grand plan I have now concocted to move again... being less than thrilled with this apt and the lack of maintenance from the super and the office... I'd feel sort of stupid setting up this elaborate DIY canopy over my bed. It'll only be up there for maybe 7 months. Also, the trellis search has been going incredibly bad thus far.

My cousin had a similar idea for Christmas lights, but she just affixed the lights directly onto her ceiling. The how is unknown to me because I was too distracted by the pretty to ask about the how, but since I've simply decided to affix the lights to my wall (as a make-shift headboard), I don't need to worry about the how so much. Have picture hooks, will use them.

One small thing, as well... my mom and I are trading beds soon. She's got a queen size with a beautiful and massive iron headboard and footboard and a small studio apt, whereas I've got a double and no headboard/footboard and a large bedroom. So, to give her a couple of feet of space, we're switching. There is no point in replacing either of our beds, they're both in tip-top condition. I'm only gonna use her headboard, for sure. So I could run the lights throughout the headboard, too.

I very much doubt that I will use ALL of the lights. That tree was HUGE and my mom probably gave me 8 to 10 sets of lights, if not more. I'll try a strand or 2 with picture hooks and if it's going to be weird or I find that I am putting far too many holes in my wall, I'll run over to Crappy Tire and see what else I can find to hang the lights with.

WOW! As I sit here, I have a thought. I should ask my dad if he can make a trellis/canopy that I can hang from the ceiling. Jebus! Why the hell didn't I think of that before? It's not as if I only recently found out that he does shit like that for a living or anything. Him and my step-mom are very crafty people. And what's more... people actually spend their bucks on their crafts! Seriously. My step-mom is pretty much gifted. You should see the dolls and placemats and other assorted goodies that this woman makes. Gorgeous. As for my dad... well, he's always been capable of crafty type endeavours, but since he's been with my stop-mom, he's gotten really good at it.

I'm gonna describe what I want to do next time I talk to him and hopefully by the time I move into my yet to be determined new apt, he'll have it finished. Yay! At least the brain works eventually!

March 6, 2008 - More hair issues

If the hair care industry ever stops making new or existing de-frizzing products, I'm going to shave my head.

Genetics was not kind to me. It gave me my dad's thick, coarse hair. He didn't have frizzies though. Or maybe he did, but his hair was always short so I guess it wouldn't have mattered (he also had Elivs sideburns, too. Dunno why, but I felt the need to mention that).

My mom's thin, fine and more or less normal looking head of hair did not compute with me in-utero, I guess.

Everyone I know who has hair like my mom tells me I should be glad to have thick wild hair. I don't agree. Had I thin, never-poufy hair, I'd be totally thrilled. And if I had a dollar for everytime some thin haired goddess type fed me that line, I wouldn't be complaining because I could afford a team of hair-dressers and therefore NEVER have pouf or frizz.

To add more annoyance, the product that works one day, does SFA the very next day. I have about 5 different de-frizzing agents that I switch between in the hopes that they'll work one day to the next. My hair might look normal ONE day a week.

And that's if I'm lucky.

March 5, 2008 - What's with me?

I've been sick. Vomit sick, no less. I don't think I've ever had a flu before this past week. Colds? Sure. Pmeumonia? Once... long ago. Various other stomach ailments? Of course. Crohn's Disease has kicked my ass HARD from 2002 to late 2006. This past year is the first year it's been mostly under control.

It was horrific. I'm too cold! I'm too hot! I'm puking again. Me (to body): Dude, there's nothing left to puke up! Body: We don't care! Hug the bowl, sista!

So pretty picture, eh?

Being sick sucks rocks. You all know that.

I only took one day off work, though I was quite sick for 2 days. One of those was a Sunday, so no calling in sick required there. Once I was able to keep an anti-nauseant down, I was good to go. Good enough anyway.

My commute was another matter though. That was harsh! I have to stand on the train. There's never any seats left once the train picks me up at my station. I called what I did standing, but really, it was more like wobbling. I'm tired as hell most mornings, so I always wobble a bit, but Tuesday was special.

My fellow commuters annoy me even when I'm not sick.. so when I am sick.. imagine how obnoxious I find these people.

Honestly! I hope I passed my flu to the lot of them.

Why should I suffer alone?

Feb 24, 2008 - On relationships...

Dating blows! Hadn't you heard?

I suck at meeting guys. Always have, I just didn't know it for sure until I moved away from all my friends (who were the dating pool or the source of it, at least).

So picture a girl rather suddenly busting up with some guy and not living in a city where she knew anyone aside from co-workers and ask me again how much I dated as an adult.

Did I find relationships in spite of that? Sure sometimes, I did. I love the internet, by the way. If it wasn't for the internet, I probably would've stayed single after I ended my engagement at 25 years old. I don't know why that's true, but the fact remains.. it is.

I hate the process, really. While I enjoy meeting new people.. developing a posse, as it were. It completely sucks doing the whole 'get-to-know-you' thing with someone when the goal is to date them. It's like a job interview... always trying to impress. You want to be cool, casual, etc... but all the while, your brain is screaming LOVE ME (or at least... Put your hand on my ass).

I don't like being peppered with personal questions... and let's face it... what the hell else are potential BFs gonna ask if not personal questions? I'm not all that private (d-uh.. I am blogging here, right?), but still. Being grilled is NOT my idea of a good time. Being scrutinized to determine if I'm good GF material makes me like the griller less the longer it goes on. I hate having to watch what I say for fear of the potential taking what I say and formulating little ideas (usually erroneous ones) about my sanity, my desire to wed, to breed or to take him for all his cash, whether I'll be controlling, jealous or good in bed. It's exhausting wording everything just... so.

Seems to me that it was so much easier to get a date/BF when I was younger. It was rare that I dated someone I didn't already know. If I didn't know them well, then I took my friends who DID know them at their word about how great they were and I was rarely misinformed or otherwise let down. And I don't think it was easier BECAUSE I was younger either, but I do think that 15 years ago... myself and millions of other teenagers put way less thought into it than we do as adults. Maybe that's the BEST way to date?

Seriously! When I was 15, trust me, I didn't care whether or not my latest victm had a car, was financially stable, was willing to commit, had issues, had perfect fashion-sense.. or any of the things grown women SWEAR they NEED. I'm 37 now and I am only seriously interested in the willingness to commit and hoping they don't have serious issues (I do enjoy the funny issues, though). When I was 15, however... all I really cared about was: Is he cute? and Does he like me?

I know times have changed and we all have to be more careful, but geez... it isn't enough to see a guy at a party or somewhere and talk to him for a bit and decide hey, he's pretty cool and then maybe poll your friends to see what they think. Do they know him? Do they know anyone who does? We have to get all Columbo about it, though.. and probe deeper and then deeper still. To ridiculous depths, if you ask me.

What I see most of the time are a bunch of spoiled, entitled freakshows who deem it necessary to make outrageous demands and spout a bunch of must-haves at anyone who'll listen.

Also, I guess it's sort of hard to like the process when you're not all that sure what you want to get out of it.

Feb 22, 2008 - Hair-tastic! Not!

My hair has ADD. There's too much of it even though I keep it on the shorter side of long these days. Any time I start to get preoccupied with my hair, I know it's time to hit the salon.

I love hitting the salon. I love that my hairdresser flat irons my hair into non-poufy submission. I love hearing how totally and in all ways awesome she thinks it is that I have so much hair for her to amuse herself with. Honest truth though... I HATE having the hair she moons over.

Most women with my type of hair, hate it. We all want curly hair. And guess what... Our curly friends all tell us that they want our hair. It's a viscious circle you know. Thick and coarse is what I live with and unless it all falls out.. that's probably what I'll die with, too.

There are (or were) ringlets on the hairline. In the back, surrounding the nape of my neck. They've since been cut too short to ringlet anymore. Wild how I used that as a verb, huh? The rest is straight, but seems to be under the impression that it's curly (so my hair is delusional, as well). I assume this is my hair's notion because it frizzes more than you can even begin to imagine.

This mess-o-hair as a pal once called it mocks me. When I leave the salon, it's all smooth hotness. When I try to recreate my hairdresser's glory, my hair metaphorically kicks my teeth in.

How come her flat iron tames it into sleek perfection and mine just makes the shafts of hair feel so hot that I let out a soul-crushing yelp when it touches my skin? How come when SHE blowdries it, while there's still a pouf factor, it's a more tamed sort of pouf? If I didn't know better, I'd think that when my hair sees her flat iron, it cowers in fear and does what she wants. And when my hair sees ME approach with the flat iron, the shafts all whisper their devious plans to ignore my efforts and leave me sporting that big 80s hair look that I fucking detest.

Does her flat iron work better because it's more expensive? Mine is ceramic, just like hers, so why should it yield different results?

I could ask the same about her blowdryer, too.

There is no hair product to help me either. I've tried them all. Short of seeing my hairdresser every morning before I head off to work.... I have to accept the fact that nothing will help my deviant hair and it's fetish for pouf and pray that it NEVER EVER rains again.

Feb 21, 2008 - Pump it up

I have a yoga ball. For some reason, I let the air out of it in October when I moved. I won't do that again, let me tell you.

Even with the pump, it took me a long time to blow up that sucker. Maybe I'll cheat and take it to a gas station. Or maybe I'll borrow someone's kids and pay them a few bucks to pump it up for me. Isn't it sad that I have the stamina (barely) to workout, but not to pump up a yoga ball?

I realized tonight that all my exercise tapes (yes.. I said tapes) are over 10 years old. The only 2 new one's I have, require that damned yoga ball. I have to buy a couple of new workout dvd's. I even have one with some big haired 80's reject. Talk about a stale work out!

I also realized that I'm incredibly uncoordinated. Many friends, family members and former co-workers have witnessed numerous examples of this. If there's a door or a wall nearby, rest assured... I will smack into it at some point. This troubles me a little because believe it or not, when I was young, my folks enrolled me in ballet and figure skating. I was quite decent at both, too.

Where has all my coordination gone? Is it possible that as a teenager... I drank it all away? Did I party too hard? See, unless there's patches of invisible ice involved, I rarely fall down. However, if there's a random piece of furniture or a wall around me.. I WILL smack into it. This is even more true if a hot guy is in the vicinity.

Seriously, I once crashed into a bus stop because I was too busy checking out a guy. And yeah... I ended up dating him, too. So while painful and humiliating... it was sort of worth it. Who knew being a graceless klutz could get me some action?

Anyway.. yoga ball. Gotta get it blown up. I'll try this weekend.

When I first got it, my workouts were basically sitting on it or laying half of my body on it and trying not to fall off. If you're a klutz, this is a pretty hard workout. It was months before I could use it properly.

Feb 20, 2008 - Who can swim?

This is the view out of my office window.

Yes, that's an OUTDOOR pool. Yes, that's steam rising off the pool. Yes, it's February. It was -20 or so today. And yes... that's a person swimming in it.

It's heated. I realize this. However... I literally get cold just looking at the people that swim throghout the day. In fact, I shivered at least twice while just transferring the damned pic from my cell to my PC. Not only that, but I suddenly *really* want a hot cup of tea... if I could indulge in booze, I'd accept a couple of inches of scotch or rye in a glass WITHOUT ice, too. Hell.. maybe a few of them... if I could.

My co-workers laugh at my exasperation over these Winter Swimming People, I'm sure. When the now more-or-less retired bookkeeper I replaced got me up out of my chair to show me this woman standing on the outside of the pool in her bikini in freaking January.. he laughed when I muttered, What.. is she insane?!

Anyway, though I have been told by many that you don't feel the outside temps while swimming in heated pools, I remain unconvinced. I'm certain Miss January Bikini Chick had to be cold standing there like she was that day. I wager that the woman is batshit insane, too.

These thoughts of winter swimming are giving me inspiration, though. When my apartment hunt begins for real, I am going to try to find a place with an indoor pool. I have an outdoor pool now, so I'll make do and wait impatently for that to open.

Feb 18, 2008 - Ch ch ch changes...

I got bored of the grass.

Maybe it's just frustration at the distinct lack of real grass to be had given that it's February and still Winter. I am trying desperately to convince myself that Winter's almost over.. and I suppose technically, it is... however... time does NOT fly in Winter, except before December.

I've wanted a scrolling text box forever and it took me longer than I'd like to admit to master one. And, of course, I use the term master WAY loosely.

The use of the extremely pretty Fall tree outside my apartment complex has been on my mind since I took the picture shortly after moving into this place in the Fall, as well. It's so beautiful. There's another one on the other side of the building as well. It was burgundy and yellow, but the leaves quite literally fell off over night. I was so enamoured of the red/yellow/rust colored tree that I missed the other one. Hopefully it turns the same color this Fall.

Lots of stuff swirlling around in my head. So keep checking back.

Feb 10, 2008 - Losing my obsession...

I used to be obsessed with music.

I listened to it AT ALL TIMES. If I was working, even. Where I work now, I don't think we're allowed.

Although, I am very tempted to ask my boss if I can don my mp3 player... only one earphone though.

If I wasn't listening to it, I was talking about it. If no one wanted to hear it, I thought about it.. a lot.

Has my job and other thoughts about responsibilities I have just taken over my mind and pushed my music thoughts aside? If so.. how much does that suck?

I miss it. Even now. I am sitting here at my computer writing this and no music is playing. Three hours ago, I was sitting here editing my budget. Still, no music playing. Two hours ago, I was entering some Avon orders and making invoices... wait for it. You guessed it.. No music playing. Now just a mere 5.. maybe 6 months ago WinAmp would be screaming out fantastic music as I did all that junk.

I downloaded anything and everything new and fabulous (let's face it.. there's really not much quality music anymore) or nearly forgotten classics or bands that were suggested to me by random people. That is so rare now.

My collection used to be incredible. It still is.. more or less, but I severely ignore it now.

These facts have occurred to me a few times over the last 5 or 6 months and even though I say I will dive back into my old music-obsessed ways.. I just can't seem to do so. I'm either working or sleeping. There's always some reason to ignore it.

That makes me really REALLY sad.

I did just launch WinAmp though, so I guess all is NOT lost. Not entirely.